Dear Heat,

It’s over. 

I’ve been sweating this relationship for way too long and enough is enough.

I used to look forward to being with you – especially in the summer. But that all changed once we started working out together. You became excessive to the point of exhaustion. “I’ll help you detox!”, you said. Well guess what, buddy? That’s what my kidneys and liver are for. 

Also, you make everything smell so bad. Trust me, if I wanted to smell like garbage all the time, I’d move to Staten Island. And speaking of trash talking, the times that you took my breath away had nothing to do with you being romantic.  

Truth is, I deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t steal my energy or act like a hot-head all the time. I need someone more chill, a partner that gives me goosebumps when I’m around them – not an itchy rash. 

So goodbye, Heat. May the shoulder that you cry on be as cold as my heart.

Thankfully not yours,

Your Ex